The Medical Screening Exam
"I cut my arm on something. I thought it might need stitches."
No, it doesn't need stitches. Just wash it with soap and water and put a BandAid on it.
"Are you sure? I don't want it to get infected or leave a scar."
Yes, I'm sure. It barely broke the skin. I can't make it heal any better than it's going to already.
"Well, it sure bled a lot."
It's not bleeding now. In fact, it's almost healed. When did it happen?
Oh. Well, just keep it clean and bandaged, and you'll be fine.
"Can you look at my toenail then?"
Sure...you've got a fungal infection of your toenail. Looks like it's been there for a while. You should see your doctor and he can prescribe some medication for it. That will take months to heal, so it's best treated by your regular physician.
"Is that all? You aren't going to do anything for me?"
I gave you proper medical advice. Sometimes that's all I can do. Good night.
"Can I get a work excuse?"