Veggie Tales

A well dressed 40 year old woman came into the ER complaining of a cucumber stuck inside her vagina. I typically ask the patient to tell me what their complaint is in their own words, but I made an exception this time because of the embarrassment factor. She already had to tell the triage nurse once.

With my favorite nurse assisting, we tried to remove the object. The patient was placed in the stirrups, and I inserted the speculum. Sure enough, there it was. Half a cucumber. It must have broken from the abuse.

The problem was, it was stuck pretty deep. And this was no ordinary cucumber. It was the biggest freaking cucumber I had ever seen, in diameter anyway. If you make a circle by putting your thumbs and index fingers together, you get the idea. I asked for some long ring forceps and tried to pull it out, but seeds and little chunks would just break off.

Finally, I just stuck both hands in and told her to PUSH! The thing came out just like a baby. I gave her a referral to follow up with a gyn doc, but I doubt she went.

The next day, one of the nurses put a dill pickle on my desk as a joke.